Difficult Conversations at Home and Work - How to manage Your Hot Buttons

"Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you sass the phone?" - James Thurber

Interpretation Teeth

Conflict triggers or your "hot buttons" are the emotional responses set off by the words or actions of others during difficult conversations. While it's a base expression to say, "He presses my buttons," or "She's baiting me," your hot buttons say more about you than they do the other person. More often that not in conflict, you comprehend something as bait either or not that's the other person's intention. And when you feel baited, you may act accordingly---sometimes badly.

You feel triggered during disagreement when you comprehend the other person's words or actions as threatening to your identity in some way. base triggers comprise real or perceived threats to your competence, worth, freedom, and sense of being included. Beyond Blame author Jeffrey Kottler suggests that people chomp down on bait as a self-protective mechanism based on past experiences.

Your hot buttons can trip you up in disagreement because they cause you to misinterpret, close down, lash out or take a side trip down the blame road. They also trigger a set of emotional responses that may conduce to escalation. When you're triggered, your brain may perceive what's called a "neural hijacking." The brain perceives a threat, proclaims an urgency and moves into action. This hijacking occurs so speedily that the conscious, reasoning measure of the brain does not yet fully comprehend what's happening. So, you're off and running.

While saying "she presses my buttons" suggests it's the other person's job to stop doing it, only you can conduct your own triggers. Everyone's bait is a little different, so what triggers me may not trigger you. This is why blaming others for baiting you isn't very effective: you waste power expecting them to turn what they're doing, when only you can turn our own reactions.

So, how do you sidestep bait instead of playing the blame game? Here are some productive approaches for identifying, recognizing and managing disagreement triggers.

Begin with what I call "self-work." holding your equilibrium during disagreement is in large part dependent upon the reflective work you do when you're not in conflict. Learn what triggers you and why you're triggered---get back to the source. Kottler's book is an excellent resource to walk you through that process. Skipping this self-work is like building a house without a foundation.Teach yourself alternative responses. Once you are aware of the kinds of words or actions that trigger you and can recognize bait (intended or unintended) when you see it, you're ready to add alternative responses to your repertoire. Robert Bolton's book people Skills is a good resource rich with practical tips.Practice during low-stakes situations. You probably wouldn't take Spanish 101 and then offer your services as an analyst for the U.N. Institution your alternative responses in day-to-day situations with low-stakes outcomes. When the higher-stake disputes arise, you'll be best able to stay balanced and entrance your good skills.In the heat of the moment, stop. Try to note of your physiological state, body language and tone of voice. A "hot face," sweating, loud voice, shaking, tears, and clenched teeth are physiological signals that you're feeling emotionally flooded and advise that you've been triggered. Allow time for your reasoning brain to catch up. Some people teach themselves subtle cues to stop, such as saying "time out," pinching the skin on the inside of their wrist, or taking one little to breathe deeply. Shape out, through experimentation, what works for you.Take a cool-down period, but don't use the time to dwell on your anger or the other person's frustrating behavior. Instead do something to distract yourself entirely for about 20 minutes, the time it typically takes for your emotional flooding to recede.Beware of venting as a regular strategy. While it's a popular notion that venting makes people feel best and helps get the emotional noise out of the way, investigate suggests that if you use this approach repeatedly, the opposite effect occurs. While it may feel good in the moment, venting anger as your normal mode may make you more angry and push your body and brain into a heightened state of anxiety or rage.Copyright © 2004 and 2006 by Tammy Lenski. All possession reserved.